An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
18 December 2010
13 August 2010
Joke - Perspective
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
26 July 2010
Joke - Drunk Night
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His teenage son is also at the table eating.
Jack asks, ‘Son, what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! … Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His teenage son is also at the table eating.
Jack asks, ‘Son, what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! … Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
13 May 2010
04 May 2010
Joke - Shoplifter
A woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches," she replied.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them. She said she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, "In that case, I'll give you 5 days in jail."
Before the judge could impose the sentence, the woman's husband raised his hand and asked if he could say something.
The judge said, "Yes, what is it?"
"She also stole a can of peas," said her husband.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches," she replied.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them. She said she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, "In that case, I'll give you 5 days in jail."
Before the judge could impose the sentence, the woman's husband raised his hand and asked if he could say something.
The judge said, "Yes, what is it?"
"She also stole a can of peas," said her husband.
26 April 2010
Humour - Understanding Women
"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women!"
25 April 2010
Joke - The Marine
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call out from behind a sand dune saying, "One Marine is better than ten Taliban."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought..
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought..
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."
29 March 2010
ObamaCare
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Fred A. Miller
Date: Sun, Mar 28, 2010 at 9:42 AM
Subject: Relax!
To:
Relax!
Quit paying your insurance premiums!
Free health care is here.
The doctor will see you now.
From: Fred A. Miller
Date: Sun, Mar 28, 2010 at 9:42 AM
Subject: Relax!
To:
Relax!
Quit paying your insurance premiums!
Free health care is here.
The doctor will see you now.
04 March 2010
01 March 2010
Computer Printer Repair
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse!
Caller: Mmmmm??... Oh really?...I will send a picture.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse!
Caller: Mmmmm??... Oh really?...I will send a picture.
05 February 2010
Joke - Supper
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
24 January 2010
$in-gapore $oldiers & Char Kway Teow Men
How are they related? Why do Malaysian gals drool at the sight of $in-gapore generals? Read on.....
Me: Wow!!! These $in-gapore generals are sooooooo suave and handsome leh!
Malaysian gals: Eeeeee!!! They look like char kway teow men!!!
Me: Yea, perhaps you've been buying char kway teow from their fathers in $in-gapore all this while. Lol.
$in-gaporean: So, how har, how har? Nice anot (or not) har? Hehe!
Malaysian gals: Go and die lah!!!!!
And that was how I formed the association between the two in my mind.
Only in $in-gapore - Uniquely $in-gaporean.
A word of warning: Don't eat too much of this char kway teow, or you would surely die. What's good food to me is poison to the majority of people out there. Don't ask why.
Related: "Monkey Face"
Me: Wow!!! These $in-gapore generals are sooooooo suave and handsome leh!
Malaysian gals: Eeeeee!!! They look like char kway teow men!!!
Me: Yea, perhaps you've been buying char kway teow from their fathers in $in-gapore all this while. Lol.
$in-gaporean: So, how har, how har? Nice anot (or not) har? Hehe!
Malaysian gals: Go and die lah!!!!!
And that was how I formed the association between the two in my mind.
Only in $in-gapore - Uniquely $in-gaporean.
A word of warning: Don't eat too much of this char kway teow, or you would surely die. What's good food to me is poison to the majority of people out there. Don't ask why.
Related: "Monkey Face"
12 January 2010
02 January 2010
Joke - You May Be A Taliban if....
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least four.
10. Your cousin is president of the United States.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least four.
10. Your cousin is president of the United States.
22 December 2009
Joke - Where's the Wife?
A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife.
When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling.
Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling.
Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
09 December 2009
Ubuntu Kung Fu
In $in-gapore, the Sunflower Manual (葵花寶典) is the pinnacle of Kung Fu. It's truly No. 1, but (I emphasise) only in $in-gapore.
Related: The Uniquely Japanese Ubuntu Spirit
04 December 2009
03 December 2009
$in-gapore $in-derella
In Cantonese (sorry, non-Cantonese speakers) - proudly produced in China (Hong Kong, SAR).
$in-gapore $in-derella Only in $in-gapore - where else?
$in-gapore "Beauty" & The Beast
$in-gapore $now White <--- Brilliant!
Three Little $in-gaporean Pigs
$in-gapore $in-derella Only in $in-gapore - where else?
$in-gapore "Beauty" & The Beast
$in-gapore $now White <--- Brilliant!
Three Little $in-gaporean Pigs
14 November 2009
Joke - Balance?
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled,
"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled,
"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
A Visual Tour of Gnome 3
Here's a visual tour of Gnome 3. The horror...the horror...
I'm going to hate it, but I suppose Mac fags will feel pretty much at home with it. :P
I'm going to hate it, but I suppose Mac fags will feel pretty much at home with it. :P
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